Yes, I said it.
Start being selfish!
Maybe you don’t know how or maybe you feel it’s wrong or ungodly to be selfish. After all, weren’t you taught as a child that no one wants to be friends with a selfish girl? That God doesn’t bless selfish people?
I don’t completely agree with that (although once upon a time I did and practiced selflessness for decades as a wife and mother, then had a breakdown and two divorces as a result – but that’s a topic for another article).
There is a value-driven way to be selfish that bears good fruit. Here to help you understand the value of being selfish the generosity way is a list I created that characterizes the kind of selfishness that is beneficial to self and others.
A Selfish-Generosity™ mother (S-G Mom) is defined as one who gives to herself FIRST, so she can generously give to others. But how does giving to yourself FIRST actually show up? What does it look like? How do you know you have met an S-G Mom when you meet her on the streets? How do you know if YOU are an S-G Mom?
The first thing you may notice is how she seems to be settled with herself, comfortable in her own skin. If her children are around (no matter what their age), you will notice they are at peace being around her. They don’t have to “perform” or be perfect in her presence. You will notice that she refreshes any room she walks into. Others feel better just being in her company.
Here are the 7 Characteristics of a Selfish-Generosity™ Mom
Characteristic #7: She does not base her self-worth on the success or failure of her children.
Right out of the gate, I’m hitting this topic hard. Someone has to say it. The S-G Mom’s self-worth is independent of what her children do or do not do, have or do not have, know or do not know. Instead, she bases her self-worth on her attentiveness to her children’s growth.
Characteristic #6: She learns from the pain of her past and uses the lessons to be a better mother and woman.
It is easier just to blame someone else for the pain they caused rather than take that pain, turn it inside out, and make it work to her advantage. Instead of taking the pain of her past as an insult to her identity, she shapes her identity with the lessons learned from the pain.
Characteristic #5: She does not pretend that putting herself on the back burner and everyone else on the front burner brings her joy.
Mothers may love their children, but they do not love being selfless to their disadvantage. But selflessness is exactly what is expected of her – by society, family, organizations, her place of worship/faith, and worse of all by other mothers. Chronic selflessness is not fun. It’s not sexy. It’s not healthy. It’s not even spiritual. What it is is debilitating, draining, and problematic. She keeps it real.
Characteristic #4: She celebrates herself in her big accomplishments and her small accomplishments.
Unfortunately, most mothers do not stop the clock and celebrate themselves, and when someone else does try to celebrate them, they tend to minimize it. But not the S-G Mom! She needs no one to celebrate her (if they do, she relishes it) when she gives someone a kind word; offers to help her child straighten up their room; overlooks a snide comment; gets a promotion; finishes her exercise routine; loses weight; manages her finances; lives to see another birthday; whatever else she deems worthy of celebrating.
Characteristic #3: She protects her morning self-care routine so that no one is allowed to interrupt.
Most mothers wake and run in the morning. As soon as the alarm rings, they are up and running to take care of others, almost robotic in nature. But the S-G Mom cultivates her mind, body, and spirit as a priority in order to give her best self to others. She puts in place a “DO NOT DISTURB” mechanism that she has taught others to respect.
Characteristic #2: She lists her name first on her daily prayer list.
While a mother is appreciative that she might be on someone’s prayer list, being on her own prayer list demonstrates a belief in her self-worth. Praying for herself first enriches her self-confidence and fortitude – commodities that will be drawn upon by others throughout her day.
Characteristic #1: She regularly invests in her personal development through courses and coaching.
The S-G Mom has a profound respect for the treasure that she is. She cultivates this treasure in order to become a better version of herself in work, life, and love. It is through her investments in herself that she finds long-term peace and happiness that cannot be found in a new pair of shoes or a designer purse.
Your Call to Action
Today, choose one of these characteristics and begin to practice it until it actually becomes a habit. If you want, share with me the characteristic you have chosen and I’ll offer suggestions of how I made each of these a practice in my personal life.